Tuesday, April 5, 2011

This is why I suck at school.

Confession: I really, really suck at being a good student. Especially in university. In high school it was so much easier to bullshit your way through everything. Now, not so much. You have to, like, study and pay attention in class and stuff. Or else you get 38% on your physics midterm... true story. 

So as I was saying, I suck at school now. 
This is because I procrastinate. I am not your average procrastinator. I am the most extreme and violently self destructive type of procrastinator that there is. I am the worst case scenario. I am THE DEFINITION of procrastination.

WAIT! I lied. I just looked up procrastination on Urban Dictionary and there are some epic definitions:

1.procrastination3190 up246 down
A similar experience to masturbation, it feels good while you're doing it, but it sucks afterwards when you realize that you just fucked yourself.
by DJ jaydee Aug 16, 2003 share this
2.procrastination3022 up161 down
Ill put up a definition later.
Ill put up an example later.
by Arm Aug 19, 2004 share this
3.procrastination2187 up84 down
What you're probably doing right now
I meant to do my paper, but went procrastinating at urbandictionary instead
by PunkPenguin Mar 22, 2004 share this

Okay... I searched 'Logan'. I must share. 

6.Logan430 up272 down
A creature lurking around somewhere in the Romanian countryside. Logan is a sexlicious man-beast.

Logan has wings made of chocolate.
"Okay kids, your father's going to tell you the story of the time he encountered the Logan! Yeah, I know....wow."

I wish that I actually had wings made of chocolate. Can you imagine? 

I cant believe this one is only ranked number 8! Its FOR SURE the best one:

8.LOgan143 up34 down
a LOgan is a severly mentaly retarded type of water lizard which swims around in circles to lure in predaters while making a high pitched scream.
yo did you just see that LOgan et demolished over there!

OKAY.Getting back on track here. I have noticed that I follow a specific pattern of events whenever I have a major Essay/Paper/Assignment Due.  

Examples are important. So lets say mr. teacher assigns us a paper. 3 weeks to do it, its worth 80% of your final grade, yada yada yada. 

Stage 1: Shock. 



Then I see all the smart people around me looking all happy because they LIKE homework. I get motivated. I am inspired by their Geeky confidence.

Stage 2: I got this. 

"This time will be different I say! I will get paper done in advance. I will hand it in 2 weeks EARLY. YES. I AM THE CHAMPION OF MCGILL. This paper is my bitch. Bring it on, PAPER. You got NOTHING, Paper. ”

I ride this motivational high for about 3 hours.

Stage 3: I got this tomorrow. 

I just can't bring myself to start today. But I can do it tomorrow. I have 3 weeks after all...

Stage 4: DENIAL. 

The lurking and darkly foreboding presence of this paper’s approaching due date  has caused my brain such high levels of stress that I choose to completely ignore the fact that it is due in less than a week. I shall forget about this paper. I don’t have a paper to do.
Now I must swing!


Apparently I have a paper due tomorrow that is worth 80% of my grade.
WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME! This is everyone's fault but my own.

Stage 6: Fearful Epiphany. 

I have realized that this paper will not write itself. I must actually research the topic, spend hours upon hours typing, and produce intelligent, university level material to hand in to Mr. Teacher. 

Heart drops to bottom of stomach. This is an impossible task. I need help. I don't have enough time! 
I'm going to fail out of school! I'm going to be a hobo! 

Who did I think I was kidding when I said this paper was my bitch.

Stage 7: BUT FIRST!

I need to release some of this stress because anxiety makes me evil and creepy. I will play with my dolls.

You are afraid of my sharp teeth aren't you?!!


Eating my doll does not relieve the stress.
I do the most random stuff when I am avoiding the top priority.

Stage 8: I am a dead man. 

It is 1 am. Must hand in this paper at 9 am. 

tage 9: on(#)(&*@HI*@*(H@*DKOIparkapoopoo

INGEST UNHEALTHY AMOUNTS OF COFFEE. Must pull 15 pages of bullshit out of nowhere and hand it in on time. Hopefully I pass this class. 

Type like the wind. 

CURRENT EVENTS: The funny thing is, I have a paper due wednesday for my Eastern Religion class and instead of staying up till 4 am working on it, I stayed up till 4 am making a blog post

-I prove myself right. Love Logan. 

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